Monday, February 25, 2013
Enough is OK
It is something I have always struggled with and it waxes and wanes at different times in my life but lately it has really been something affecting me. Its the internal struggle of accepting that enough is good enough. That sometimes its ok to just accept the way things are and let it be.
I am a perfectionist, I always have been.
At times I am good about letting go and accepting good enough, but for some reason lately I haven't been.
I had a quiet moment the other day and realized that the majority of my awake hours were not spent just living in the moment but trying to achieve more, get more, clean more, thus causing me to worry more.
One area in particular that really got to me was realizing how little I had actually sat down and played with L that day and the day prior. I started to worry that maybe I don't ever play with him enough, maybe he feels like I ignore him, maybe I need to be doing this that or the other more. The moment that I realized how little I had spent playing with him we were sitting at his little table and coloring. Talking about the colors, and switching colors back and forth. My attention was fully on him and he was so happy. Thats when I realized that I have been horrible lately about trying to multi-task everything and not really fully dedicate myself to anything completely.
It was really an awakening moment. My weekly reading for my "book club" I attend where we are reading through the new testament ( a really cool book I will discuss in another post) made me realize that God doesn't care if my house is perfect or I complete my to do list or buy the perfect outfits. It made me realize that to God I am enough just the way I am and that by toiling away trying to improve everything not only are the other relationships in my life at stake most importantly my relationship with Him is at stake. Confession... I am almost two weeks behind on my bible study homework... I was doing so good and then BAM got swept away with these perfectionist desires and fell so far behind that now I am so overwhelmed by it (perfectionist once again) its so hard to get back into it. I know I just need to start at the current location and go back to catch up as I can. Its hard though.
I really had a break down the other day feeling like a horrible mom, wife, etc because I realized how much time and energy I was wasting on unimportant things. I was getting upset over a dirty house or things left undone. It almost reminded me of the Mary and Martha story in the bible, it kind of hit me like a slap in the face.
I need to slow down,
pare down my to do list,
just let go and be ok with enough.
The best thing is I know God's Mercies are new each morning.
I know each day is a fresh start.
We had a message at church once talking about life's craziness and how we pack our life so full there are no margins and the margins are where relationships grow. If we pack or life so full that the margins are small our relationships cant grow.
I have had this on my mind a lot.
I have started to accept that the pile of laundry is ok.
The few dirty dishes and unfinished projects are ok.
I have made a conscious effort to shut off the TV more and just BE, just be present and play with L and just be present in the Word everyday.
Its a balance I need to figure out
Its a work in progress, but God has made it aware in my mind and I think thats the first step to changing.